Dreamer..carpe…what


Carpe diem ive hear that quite often hmm  well So most the time I’m the kinda gal.that will save will have a billions of Facebook recipes and dyi. A bunch of pininterest recipes,quotes,dyi s.decor ideas an fitness moves.well…that may be abit too much like 50 in Facebook an afew thousands in pin interest I love to collect love to learn. Major border at times as well I get attach to things an a lot sentimental value problem my phone get over stock with pics and articles an texts I’m like aww!.an always taking momentums.an still got my kids old baby clothes an my hubbs first plush gift.I over stack up. An for Facebook an pininterest,always getting new info.I always collection of something new,even my kindle always purchase a new book.but most time its about colllecting or storing.but that half the job. And while well intention.its also about getting the ball rolling .its great to learn an always something to learn an a skills to develope.but where not books not only meant to store.but to meant to live.its so important an even vital to live .make experiences try something to an Even trial an error.we can live life feeling not ready yet.needing to prepare. Which that’s OK.but not in standstill. Its good to grow to learn to learn about yourself. Your constant growing especially when you move you help that go rotation an learn also something new about yourself.which gets me back to my Facebook and pininterest. I gather so much new much information,wants and daydream.even for situation I buy the ingredients or tool I need.but then life hits.or excuse or insecurity. An I go an play it safe.I still to my same o salad or recipes which by now I perfected an I know people enjoyed.or workouts.that workout for that I can tolerate. An don’t complete excite an deplete me.an so on an so forth.. I had an eggplant I bought thinking. !ima  make this awesome new healthy dish…damn not the right seasoning an I got no cheese so I fry it an mix with spinach….an tuna.with my usual seasoning…….damn this looks weird…smell weird.. An eh taste OK..abit salty.so what I get from this yes change its a bit scary but its thriliing an exciting You also get out the norm. I’ve also experience an push for a ride in a theme I was terrified whole time it was high an fast.an my child was nervous too so I want to be there. Amn hubbs encouraged me to.I went on it an as i was going up .my heart was at my mouth.an my mind was..Oh MY GOSH IM GONNA DIE.but as I’m up those few seconds.I breath I said it will be tortured an bad experience…. Freak it…let go you here now.just enjoy.it was sudden wait lifted.an a rush as a went down. OMG!THIS WAS FUN!LET’S GO AGAIN.! that what I said.both me and my kid.it felt Free to let go to live to be brave.an new experience. An I done a few as well experience an try new recipes an workout. An while im a work in progress an have my struggles an hurdles.I feel good an my belly feels good.because I’m living an trusting myself an give myself permission to try an sometimes make mistakes an fail to but I get up an learn an try again.an for my clutter an horder.piece by Peace I’m learning .I through I save or put away in a better place.still got my moments but I’m getting the ball rolling not so much on standstill.an for biggest lesson for me.get attached or addicted to experiences life living it taking chances .not just being a spectator. Dreamer or storer.but walking in faith in action.attach to life a border of life not things. All in good balance😺😍 

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Staircase to the quartz temple


I picked up some sticks a hammer an nails .an I shape them a (H) formation I built for hours which feels like days which feels like years.I took a step back and look.an realized I created stairs .stairs that head up way up to the sky passing the clouda an further up.I climb and climb.for very long time.my legs felt sore my fingers bled with blisters.feeling tired. But feeling this strong compelling feeling to keep going .a drive to finish what I started. So I climbed futher up.feeling exhausted .when I see a light shining I go right to that direction .I step on foward in a temple of marble stone and quartz in what seem like a Hall room in that structure.. Then a feeling a familiarity hints nudge in my heart.I walk further looking at the halls an tall doors marble doors with gold finishing. there was a specific door that call out to me wasn’t much different that the rest.but I new I needed to open.as I come in I see a room all clears bring made in completely out of quartz. An an tall quartz shining in the middle with young  men and woman looking in my direction they don’t speak but smile then I hear in my thoughts welcome home and I remember where an who I am.and when I walk with my family down the stairs crying for I didn’t wanna leave my home my family. An thats when I wake up

Burnt rice:aka my struggles,binge eating stress anxiety and a slice of drama

 Binge anxiety an the before and after with life reminders

Things around you runs fast.your mind runs fast.

You’re chest is heavy weight.

There s a million thought s through you’re head

A battle if what you need to do an you should be.an yet feeling stuck. You’re emotions are in speed .you are in clear moments with confusion disoriented. With damn worry what other s think to not caring altogether. You know how you gotta live.from I gotta fix myself gotta look good to I eat right I wanna the way I feel good feel full of energy.take a stroll walk the dog.an decorate my room new look. Laundry. Fix it up ready with some fresh smelling floral smell you love. But wake up too damn tired.wanna cuddle up longer.wanna with be with my hunnie bees.damn its late an still feel so damn tired.!😖😪

5 more mins please!…damn getting late. I gotta feed the dog feed the plants giggles.water its been days I forgot to much on plate. (😿Guilt) Feed thew birds feed the fish.water on the floor gotta mop my floor gotta ruin before on the basis.gotta get my lil one an guy bk.clean the floor remake the bed. Get my self a quick bite when’ some times I take a quick bite or a lot bites from both of FAM plate.then either cracker or whatever quick or craving in some days .damn there goes my goal for hearty healthy  breakfast.go bathroom damn no where near my set goal. Somwe days hubby leaves Morning and I’m zombie statues help him out an others he’s leave later in the day. So those later in the day .days the hubbs after my quick bk search an disappointing weigh in I say let me work out damn that’s gotta weight gotta do my 

Dog walk a long long walk I like an need to do my dog has her needs  that required it an bites me in the ass later if I dont .ask hubbs.wanna walk once in awhile says yes but can tolerate to much gets tired. Lill one can’t tolerate less an complains bloody murder!😭.unless some lucky occasions I distract by wizards game we play using our imagination. Or we talk convos of interest. I gotta have reinforcement’s though. My occasional hi c drink a sandwiches snack an water.lunchbox changes from time to time.we got our water for our pit stop to rest stop an eat from lunch box.sometimes we detour an we go to the I let him pick an purchase. Or icee stand gotta cool off.weve talk about our dreams. Cars we want. Ahome we like to live.or I ll be ask profound question like why we can’t we live forever.in short for me I answer this is a temporary destination to Learn have experiences to love .to deal with challenge a to learn different aspects of ourselves an others an to fall an get back clean the dirt off you’re pants an keep going learning from that experience which you fall from (still learning to fully follow my own advice mind u) an hopefully my kiddo learns an apply earlier than I do an still learning. An after all that going home after you live an learn an hopefully grew abit wiser.an rest.but this just my opinion. An of course I simplify my explanations for kiddo.but other times momma why some monkeys butts are red. By then I’m😹😻llaughing .I say I’m not other than there born that way. I’m home .drink water give water to kiddo an dog .I workout so tiring.I think o  protein shake ……nah to watery not fufilin.hmm hotpocket..family member argues scream milk finished. Inconsiderate jerks.an  I hope you move soon.tense my chest heavy tight I walk away.Go to bathroom. I come back feeling o I got crackers let Me put cheese.damn still hungry need sweet. Oh I got yogurt. Oh peanutbutter an jelly.o feel bloated.o lay down look at phone apartments search.damn so many requirements. Damn his credit shitty will my credit be enough. Will they call us in time.I Dont wanna be in shelter.damn no one will borrow us money.even though short period.to save before kicked.no don’t wanna be with his crazy cruel family whose been desperate he leave an come back with them major narcs!no joke they’ve ask even wanna give them a spare key not to mention I live before on emergency. They would complained that I leave an my kiddo an my dog. Till one day he blew up.an blew there cover. Then call my family an instigate.but its a whole story for much but this is summary of the hell no! Plus they never offer help find apartment or always just come live with them .its crazy mine your man works he get it.even though they help others. Ask family more time.explodes .insults Calls us liars !you got the money we got no money we are saving paying you rent paying extra food. Transportation money to work cell phone payment animals foods  bills 2credit card debt.which came from my animal vet an our own emergency. Cable 3play plan bill.liar. theres more money.he’s lie to you. I see all paystabs from check I Dont believed it hides the rest……this get no where go another dog walk ask kid first wanna come anger tantrum go on my own kiddo with other family member.can’t talk to know pretty much all family is close to family member fighting. Walk to dog go to store candy bar cake KitKat bar.chips .o yummy. An sandwhich come home water for dog. Dog food prep.Cook.which lately abit burnt recently burnt rice.damn I feel bad but stress will do that to you, pick on food. O fuck it microwave fish stick.yum.eat banana workout clean bummed I’m didn’t fix up.family member yell s why didn’t fix up. Lazy bummed .didn’t help.mind u.six bag food shopping an went to buy animal food .8block walk then stressful search with me an convo over getting this .then he work this specific day.which he beg N fought to get.I lay I write.so many thoughts. As I set kiddo sleep food storeaway an clean up well kitchen clean anything for me for family N to consider family even though like to sneak up see what they can hear in convos to see there not talk about or look to see not a drrip of water spill or to many thinks on. Mind you a fan an light switch is too much.it happened an yelling screaming come my way so I  avoid further  blew ups.an I sleep then wait for spouse open door for we cuddle watch something stream well I try my mind still thinking then we sleep.wanna make love we both need the connection an blowoff steam.but both too tired drained.to start of new day